The Curious Case of My “Illegal Assets” & “CBI” Raid

Ding dong…. ding dong the door bell ranged constantly as if someone on the door is in hurry. I put cup of tea aside, folded the newspaper hurriedly and like any other typical hubby shouted” Anuja, please open the door… but no answer from her side and bell was ringing like the hell has collapsed. I literally ran towards the door & opened it to shout “who the hell are…” but when the door opened my words stuck in my throat. Three lady officers in Khaki uniform were there. The senior one showed her I-Card & said “we are from CBI, we have search warrant against you…”

“May we come in”, senior officer asked me politely and she entered in with her colleagues without waiting for my answer. I was dumb stuck to see all of them, no not because they were all lady officers but all of them had similarities with my family members.

The senior one introduced herself  “Hello sir, I am Mrs. Khanuja Khandwala, my colleagues Ms. Nashta Farsanwala & Ms. Gattu Ganthiawala” My mouth was still open in awe because these ladies have tremendous similarities with my wife & daughters. In fact there names were also sounding similar…

Mrs. Khandwala was a tall & little bit plumpy, fare woman, her colleagues were also looking a like to my fairies but they were in their early twenties. I had no idea what’s going to come next. When they set on chairs Mrs. Khandwala took out her pen, pad & started shooting questions…

Name? - Dr. Shirish Kashikar 

Profession? – Academician

Age? – 44

Height? 

I tried to protest “But what it has to do…”

“Please don’t interrupt Sir, your height” She retorted. 

Five feet ten inches

Weight? - Eighty six kilos

Mrs. Khandwala turned towards Ms. Nashta & asked her to note this point specially and again…

Waist?

“I have no idea Maam, but what all this things...”

“Sir, please co-operate with us… Nashta, get your measure tape & check his waist”. Ms. Nashta came forward & measured my waist. “its 38 Maam” “Hmmm thats really disproportionate…, doctorsaheb we have a strong case here” Mrs. Khandwala said.

 “But Maam why you are doing all this things & why are you asking such funny questions?what have I done? “

Dr. Kashikar, calm down, we will answer your all questions, but let us finish our business first” she assured me.

“Ok go ahead Maam” 

“Do you have any unhealthy habit like smoking, drinking etc?”

“No Maam, I only consume tea thrice a day, well sometimes a hard drink...”, ”hard drink? In Gujarat? That is another serious matter, Mr. Kashikar” snapped Mrs. Khandwala & asked Ms. Nashta to note this point with special remarks. 

“Hello Maam, I said a hard drink, but for me a soft drink is also hard to digest, that’s why I call them ‘hard drinks’. So please don’t misunderstand me.

“Oh that’s ok, what about B.P.?

“Maam what are you saying? I am a family man with good marriage life, I don’t need to see all this dirty things at all…”

“Mr. Kashikar,don’t try to be oversmart, I am talking about your blood pressure & nothing else, so answer me properly”

“Oh that’s 130/90”

“Hmmmm you already have it, be careful, any medicine?”

I told her about my medicine dose. 

Meanwhile Mrs. Khandwala ordered her juniors to search my kitchen to prepare the list of things kept in it. I tried to resist but she stopped me & waved a paper which she mentioned as a search warrant. As her juniors started searching kitchen she started her questioning again…

“What do you do to loose your weight & reduce your waist?”

“Well, almost nothing, my wife insists me to do regular morning walk, pranayam & all but after a full day’s stressful job I can’t wake up before 7.30 in the morning and as sun rises you know…” 

“We call this type of accused lazy bones, Mr. Kashikar”

“Accused? for what?” Now I almost lost my temper.

“Well we have got the tip from our reliable sources that you have collected disproportionate, illegal assets, so we will search every nook & corner of your house & find out the root cause” Explained Mrs. Khandwala.

As she was talking to me suddenly Ms. Gattu appeared in drawing room with some eatables in her hands &  with enthusiastic looks of Inspector Daya Shetty in her eyes she said “Maam, look what we have found in this extensive search, Ms. Nashta is preparing ‘muddamaal list”.

In a few minutes Ms. Nashta came to drawing room & handed over the list of ‘muddamaal’ they found in my kitchen,she also displayed some of those items on the dinning table. Mrs. Khandwala looked at it & murmured something in Ms. Gattu’s ears. She handed the list to me to check the accuracy of what they have captured as ‘muddamaal’ the list was read something like this… 

Groundnut oil four tins of 15 kg each 

Desi Ghee five tins of 5 kg each

Kaju, Badam, Kishmish & other dry fruits - 1 kg each

Besan laddu - 750 grams

Kaju katli - 1.500 kg

Rajkot ka peda - 2 kg

Bhavnagri ganthiya - 1 kg

Gordhan ki chatni - 250 grams & some other eatable, high calorie items….

There was a special note at the end “no green vegetables & pulses found in refrigerator”, 

“Hmmm doctorsahib I must arrest you now, our tip was perfect” Mrs. Khandwala said.

I was shocked to hear this. I pleaded “Why do you want to arrest me? Just because, you found these things in my kitchen?  This laddu, peda & all..  Am I doing any anti national activity in keeping this harmless things in my kitchen? Is it a crime to have 38 inches waist & 86 kg weight?

“Yes” Mrs. Khandwala dropped the bombshell. “Yes according to the law of “family health” (she pressed on the word “family health”) it is not only necessary but mandatory for the people of your age to be 9 feet away from such health risky eatables Mr. Kashikar. As per our new ‘family health law’, government has decided to curb menace of overweight & related physical problems. We are officers of this special squad. I am sorry but I have to arrest you” She explained everything in detail.

“Wait Maam, you said you are from CBI, but since when CBI has started all this type of ‘family raids’ I asked her curiously.

 “Well we are from the CBI, i.e. Calorie & Bariatric Information department, she smiled mysteriously & suddenly my body started shacking violently. Ms. Gattu started shouting in a child like voice “Babui, please wake up, I am getting late for the school, chalo mujhe taiyaar kardo….” My eyes opened & I found myself on the bed. I hugged Anusha,my younger one & started towards bathroom to brush the teeth…

Before I enter in bathroom I passed through the drawing room & I saw “muddamaal” collected & displayed by Ms. Nashta on my dinnig table…

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